Thursday, 1 December 2011

Escalators, Doors, and Hallways

The University I attend is rather small. There’s only about 10, 000 students, its equivalent to a state college, we don’t have any highly reputable universities in my city. That being said, going to the smaller of the two ones we do have; it’s not a big campus. It consists of one main building that has four floors, and then there are a couple buildings in the surrounding area. What this means though, is that everyone is located in one building. You see the same people every day, it’s like some sort of weird adult high school where everyone is already done puberty, and you don’t know anyone’s name.

This rant is about something much, much more important. This rant is about how to properly utilize escalators, stairs, hallways, doors and the act of walking. I will teach you how to properly walk, and no, I don’t know how to get that pretty boy swag. The introduction paragraph wasn’t completely useless; the reason why I mention it is because the main building has a set of escalators that take you to each floor. Everyone uses them, everyone. Everyone. Every. One. Now, these are single file escalators so don’t expect to walk past anyone. There’s a set of stairs between the escalator going up and the one going down. These are also narrow, but why take the stairs when we have magical machines that move up for you? That being said, when there is nobody in front of you and someone behind you on the escalator; WALK UP IT. You aren’t Stephen Hawking; you can do more than one thing at a time. It’s amazing isn’t it? Once you start walking it combines the speed of the escalator with your stepping ability, it’s almost too fast to handle you might say. Well, that is a good point, at what speed does going up stairs become too fast? If you’re too lazy or out of shape to be walking up an escalator, take the stairs. Not because it’s easier but because that way you won’t be in my way, and it will be beneficial for your health.  I’m just looking out for your health here... really.

On to the next one; doors. I can’t teach you how to use a door; you have probably seen them and used them before. If you’re still not sure whether to push or pull, as a general rule try pulling first because if you push first you might run into the door out of excitement (#simpletips.)  However, does anyone else really hate those awkward moments when you aren’t sure whether or not to hold the door for the next person or keep going? There’s no definitive line, there’s this massive grey area where you question yourself. It’s awful, it’s like you’re at a club in Miami and can’t figure out if the person you’re making out with is a man or a woman.  It also entirely depends on the person behind you, if you’re an alpha male and she’s attractive you’ll probably just let go of the door. If you’re any sort of white knight you’ll hold the door. It’s amazing how much holding a door is indicative of who you are as a person. Unfortunately I can’t give you an objective measurement, but generally looking back offers enough sentiment. All I can say is; don’t worry about it. Unless they’re obviously right behind you, you shouldn’t care. IN RETURN when someone is ahead of you, you shouldn’t care either. Together we can make the world a better place, one door at a time. No more death glares people.

Hallways or perhaps this point is better summarized; walking etiquette. DON’T WALK TOGETHER IN HORIZONTAL GROUPS. If I have to be stuck behind you because all of you want to walk parallel to each other, I may get Wayne Brady to choke a bitch. Yes, it tends to be women, and this is not terms for sexual discrimination. Is that really surprising though? The only time you see a group of guys walking next to each other is the start of an epic pre-game moment in a football movie. Either that or some sort of synchronized gang, in which case you should run, run very fast. Also, if I’m stuck behind you I’ll have nothing to do but listen to your conversation, and I will join in. Perhaps it will open up a hole big enough for me to fit through (There’s something the Blue Bombers were missing on Sunday.)

All of that being said, I'm usually the guy with the obnoxiously large gym bag swinging behind me and hitting you in the face on the bus.

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